If there are one thousand causes for my heart resonates pains, how many of them are because of you?
“It’s just… one day, I realize that I can’t fit into anyone’s life, everything feels so absurd and awkward. Believe me,…. I did try to let go of your hands and to erase all my feelings for you… Normally, I’m that good at doing so that it would work but in the end, I could not do it somehow.”
You held me in your embrace and listened to every word I said. In the shade of the dimly lit room, it felt like an alternate world where you and I appeared in true forms to each other.
In contrast to what people think of me, I do consider myself a romantic and there were times that I had feelings for someone, I’m not that stone-hearted. Yet, this time it is so different to the point that I’m so confused, I don’t know whether it’s love or I’m drowning in the ocean of madness. No matter how my rationale warns me that it turns into unfathomable headaches, I find my thoughts wandering back to you.
And then you stayed, for that night and many more, to give me your warmth, your conform, hold my hands through the darkness both in the sky and my soul.
Don’t you know that whenever you called me your babe, I was at my lowest point and your words brightened my darkest moments?
Don’t you know that you have become one of the reasons that made my day didn’t seem so blank and pointless.
Don’t you know how much I missed you and how much my feelings for have been hurting me?
Don’t you see me in the unfathomable waves in my soul?
I can write thousands and thousands of lines, still just three words in every language why so hard to say
We’re playing such a dangerous game that I’m already lost to you.
From somewhere nearby, the song slowly prevailed over the room, the melody going on and going on
“But I can’t say I run when things get hard
It’s just that I don’t trust myself with my heart
But I’ve had to let it break a little more
‘Cause they say that’s what it’s for”
I wrote this story as a selfish and desirous wish to myself.
End.
11:46 am, 23/05/24
P/s.: About the title of this post, I was inspired by a poem in a book called Pillow Thoughts II by Courtney Peppernel.
“I am a solar system
with crashing comets and star clusters And in all my pieces
he exists
I can feel him so strongly
it’s like I am not even me
anymore
Like all my pieces belong to him”
Also, the lyrics are from the song “Kintsugi” by Lana Del Rey. It has a totally different meaning, but ever since the first time I listened to it, those four lines kept appearing in my heart while I was pondering about this story.
Gác Nhỏ Của Lam 