or will it simply end like this
drawn by the light
trampled by shadows” Haruki Murakami.
Again, I was thinking about reading some works by Dazai Osamu. As much I know how beautiful they are, I always restraint myself from going that far for the fear that it will stir up something buried deep inside my soul.
Even so, that thought sometimes comes out of nowhere and messes up my string of feelings. Out of the blue, I see myself as a bystander in my own life, and the person who called “me” is just some B-class actor.
I envision a bottomless pitch just opening and consuming me whole. Suddenly, all the emotions leave my body without any trace, and so does the meaning of my existence.
On the other hand, I do know what my place and reason for being in this vast and unknown universe are, otherwise, all the books I’ve ever read would go wasted. Gods, what can I do with my mind, and why do I have so many problems? Many years pass by, and yet no plausible answer comes across my head. So, what should I do now? Talk to someone? It would be the biggest joke ever. To be exact, I don’t feel like sharing my true faces with anyone besides myself.
This morning, I woke up and overheard my parents planning my birthday party. I also know that HL secretly prepared a gift for me. Hân sent me birthday wishes even though I forgot hers. As much as I’m bothering people, their hearts still have some places for me. Things between humans are complicated. We unconsciously choose to love and care for others as a basic instinct, no matter how worse the other end is.
All those so-called “guilty” thoughts, despite knowing how meaningless they are, I can’t erase them from my head.
I turn 23 today, and for many reasons, I don’t like that number.
10:50 pm, 15/01/2022.
Gác Nhỏ Của Lam 